Thinking.

when it comes to relationships... i've had my fair share. probably more than my fair share, actually. i'm pretty selfish. but in a way, it was worth it. i've been in relationships where i was cheated on and had no knowledge of it, cheated on despite my knowledge of it, been irresponsibly enamored, completely unappreciated, and put on the highest pedestal imaginable. i've tried to avoid relationships with others who only wanted to use me for various reasons, and i've reminded guys that even though i'm not the most capable girl, i still pack a mean right hook should they try to take advantage of me.

all that would have been pointless had i not been paying attention.

i may not know *exactly* what kind of relationship i want to be in (and besides, if you have it planned out that specifically, it's no fun at all), but i know what kind i don't want to be in.

i don't want to be with someone who needs me.

that sounds so heartless, but hear me out. i don't want someone who needs me because anyone who needs to be with me doesn't really want to be with me. being with someone who needs me is insulting; kept around for another's necessity just as much as staying for it. when someone loves you because they need you, there is no hope for a mutual compassion. as soon as they have taken all that they needed, there is no longer a reason for you to be around.

i would much rather be with someone who wants me. i would like to know that if i'm in a relationship, it's with a person who could very much live without me, but openly chooses to live with me instead. someone who is not completely dependent on me but who is independent and elects to depend on me as much as i do them, and not more. when you're wanted in a relationship, you aren't afraid of being discarded as soon as you've lost your usefulness. you're with someone who starts every day by choosing you because they want to be with you.

i'm not saying that i've got relationships figured out. i just feel that after screwing a few up, i've got one very important piece of the puzzle in place.

incidentally, i feel like a lot of my friends talk about their one huge disaster relationship. the one where you were so desperately needed (and vice versa) that you allowed it to become a love that consumed you so fast that the flames grew just for the sake of dying out victoriously. i used to resent that relationship, but then i realized that if i hadn't been needed i would never appreciate being wanted.

i hope for you that someday you find someone who wants you. despite my own disappointment in this situation, EVERYONE deserves to be chosen, everyone deserves to be wanted.

seriously?! seriously.

My friend posted this video today on her Facebook. It's very interesting, and encouragingly educational.

Someone made this comment under the link on my friend's Facebook:
It's wrong because God says it's wrong. Everyone has the exact same opportunity to marry an opposite-sex, consenting age adult who wants to marry them. No one can marry their sister, brother, a child, multiple partners, etc. The main reason this is not a good argument is because the Creator of this world says no, only secondarily because it will give the polygamist, NAMBLA members and even the deranged farmer the idea that they can marry whom ever they wish. If you don't believe me, just watch the show "Sister Wives."

Seriously?!

This was my response:
Amendment I to the Constitution of the United States says:

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof..."

Thomas Jefferson, Founding Father, principal author of the United States Declaration of Independence, and third President of the United States, wrote to the Danbury Baptist Association:

"Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between Man & his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, & not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should 'make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,' thus building a wall of separation between Church & State."

...and finally, as a good man, great friend, and strong Christian once said,

"Religion is the governance of one's self. Government however, is the means by which we govern each other collectively. The convergence of the two, however righteous, is not only the resulting theocracy but the insurance of an arrested people void of the freedom to experience grace. I hope that I never doubt the power of my God so much that I create law to enslave my people to my view of righteousness."

so i had to complete an assignment this week for an online course i'm taking about leadership. this is the assignment:

What values are important to you? How strong is your value system? On what do you base this answer? Do you exhibit full-swing values and courage of conviction in ethical dilemmas? How? How are ethics shaped by your value system?

and this is my answer:

In consideration for my personal values, I took an introspective approach. I thought carefully for several days whenever I felt that my values motivated an action or influenced a conversation with another person, and made note of how those instances occurred. The values that I found important to me are Integrity and Honesty (I view them as one, because I believe Integrity is dependent upon Honesty), Courtesy, Prudence and Knowledge (again joined, as Prudence relies on Knowledge), and Thoughtfulness.

My value system's strength stems both from my belief that my values are worthwhile and my willingness to reflect these values in everyday life. I try to be Honest, even when it may be inconvenient (telling a friend that despite their recent breakup, punishing an ex by throwing their belongings away is likely to have negative consequences), and I try to be consistent in my honesty, both in word and in actions, which I feel embodies Integrity.

I find Courtesy to be a difficult value to possess in modern society, although I still try to embody it. Many times it may have been easier to throw indignant insults at a bully, but finding a courteous demeanor and course of action has more long-term benefit. In one situation, I found myself, my peers, and a close friend bullied and harassed by an individual much higher in the authoritative chain. My peers lost confidence, productivity was lacking, and my close friend was suffering. The group appealed to me and a few others to rectify the situation because we were known for having strong values. Rather than storm in and demand change, we requested a meeting with the bully and their supervisor, calmly and respectfully voiced our concerns, and stated our hope that the situation would improve. Our courteous actions got us farther than the discourteous path would have, and things changed dramatically for the better after that.

Prudence, rather than meaning cautiousness, relates to me the idea of being able to discern the appropriate action for the appropriate setting. An easy way to relate this idea is to give the example of two occasions when I saw car accidents. The first occasion was in the middle of the day on a busy highway, and the accident had occurred some time previously, as emergency vehicles had already arrived and some were dispersing. I had just started driving and found that the experience made me nervous. After this occasion, I sought Knowledge on how best to act if I were to see a car accident again in the future, asking everyone from my mother to my teachers. What I learned was very valuable earlier this year, as I was in another city driving away from an event late in the evening when my passenger and I witnessed a car accident firsthand. A car sped across several lanes (all empty due to the late hour) and crashed into a metal pole, flipping the car several times before it righted in an empty parking lot adjacent to the street. I immediately called 9-1-1 and told the operator what had happened, where I was, and asked for further instruction. In keeping with the Knowledge that I had received years earlier and the operator's instructions, I drove closer to the accident, but far enough away that I would not be a hindrance to emergency personnel or harmed if any further damage occurred. I assessed that there was little or no threat to prevent me from checking on the driver or any passengers, and I found that the driver was alone and tried to keep the individual talking until emergency responders arrived. I answered all of their questions and gave my phone number in case any further questions would be required later. My ability to judge the appropriate course of actions and apply the Knowledge that I had previously sought exhibits Prudence.

Thoughtfulness, rather than being as straightforward as Courtesy or involving the stoicism of Prudence, stems from my belief that being Thoughtful, both in words and in actions, can have a positive effect on myself and the people I encounter. Thoughtfulness in words, to me, means taking the time to find a way to express my true feelings rather than speaking rashly and complimenting the successes and abilities of others. In actions, Thoughtfulness is reflected in putting another before myself for no reason other than I hope that it brings them some measure of happiness. This can be as small as opening a door for another person, or as large as allowing someone to take the lead on a project we both want to complete.

These examples show that my value system reflects not only what I believe to be important, but also how I interact with others on a day-to-day basis on a large and small scale. They also show my endeavors to exhibit full-swing values. I will not claim to be perfect; I do not always hit a home run with my values. However, my continued commitment to have courage of conviction in ethical dilemmas is an ongoing process. Rather than stop trying because I did not succeed once, I keep going and hope that the next time will be an improvement.

My value system informs my personal ethics, and also how I view ethics in my community. I believe that my values are strong pillars for ethical reasoning, because they answer simple questions that I can ask myself in an ethical dilemma: Are my words and actions helpful or harmful? How will my words and actions affect the situation? What are the lasting consequences? These questions are integral to how I view ethics. If ethics can be interpreted as the applied value system for a community or society, then I firmly stand by my individual values as indicative of ethical reasoning.

it's a doozy, but i think it's a good one. this assignment gave me an opportunity to reflect on why i feel the way i do about such hot-button issues (gay marriage, separation of church and state, anything that people love to argue about) and i think they're not all the regular ideas of values. i feel that values like prudence are shoved aside for rashness, and knowledge for instant gratification (laziness). i find myself explaining to more and more people what the idea of thoughtfulness even means. it hurts. it hurts that so many people don't want to be prudent, or seek intelligence for its own merits, or even be thoughtful. does anybody else ever feel this way?

The Annette Challenge

i'm challenging myself and getting serious about my fitness.

which is to say, i'm getting seriously worried about my lack of fitness.

in a somewhat unexpected move, i'm ignoring my concerns for my spinal health and choosing instead to look at it as a glass-half-full situation. yes, some of my spinal cartilage has gone the way of death star 1.0, but i don't have to sit indoors, getting pale and sad because the doctor said i can't be a figure skater or dancer. (fuck that attitude, amiright?)


so to remedy my hopelessness, i'm going to apply myself to The Annette Challenge. mostly it consists of running and pilates, with a little strength training and A LOT of physical therapy to get my not-so-hot body into pre-injury shape.

i'm also hoping that The Annette Challenge will help motivate me psychologically; i need to get my book off the ground, and although i've been writing every day, i'm gonna need to be a tough cookie to go around peddling it to publishers once it's done. blergh. additionally, i've had a few hard mental knocks lately that i wouldn't mind forgetting with some well-deserved personal success.

if you want to join The Annette Challenge, there are no membership fees, rules, or qualifications. i can email you my plan, and then you can do whatever the hell you want. as long as you're happier after ten weeks than you were when you started, you win!

ooooooooo-klahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plain...

or, more accurately, where the heat comes creeping without rain.

if i were being honest, i'd admit that i don't want to go back to connecticut. i know, i'm a terrible person. but my friends are here, my mom is here, all of the things i want to do are here... everything except for Cy.

i know that i'm being unreasonably selfish. i just don't wanna go.

bringing me downnnnnn

being back in okla. for the month has given me a lot to think about.

it made me realize that i've spent the past four years being a complete and total dumbass. i wasted a lot of time being jealous of my friends' friends and for what? i could have gotten over it so much more simply if i had just, well, gotten the fuck over it. and now that i'm stuck in the same position i'm forced to look around and think not-quite-rhetorically, why are we wasting our time worrying instead of trying to be decent friends?

i'm not going to apologize to people who want to bring me down. i'll give them some hard-earned knowledge as advice instead: get over yourself.

i know that's what it took for me to get past my concerns. i put myself in a world of hurt because i was too obstinate to admit that the main problem was my own attitude.

i realize that friends will come and go in life, and that i need to put my money on the ones who care about me the most and about whom i care about most. that also means that i'll have to come to terms with the idea that not all of my friendships will last forever, and that's a hard pill to swallow.

Life is ruining my life.

And I don't mean that in the sad-depressed-woe-is-me way. I mean it in the STOP-THE-INSANITY! way. Here is my day tomorrow:

8AM: Finish Hillpost layout.
10AM: Makeup exam for Research Methods.
11AM: Shakespeare.
-between Noon15 and Noon45- Call neurologist, reschedule appointment. Lunch.
1PM: SGA Exec Meeting.
230PM: Physical Therapy.
-between 330PM and 445PM- Call cake people, finalize cake. Call flower people, finalize flowers.
5PM: Dinner with mom and lil bro.
7PM: Nervous breakdown.

I would also like to thank Rogers State University for allowing professors to make up ludicrous, unattainable goals. CAPSTONE, THAT MEANS YOU.

That's right. I have to re-do my capstone class because of something that I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND and likely never will. But there it is, the student fails to find an advocate yet again, and like the life-draining parasite that higher education has become, I allow my social life, health, and mental well-being to deteriorate as I work harder and harder towards the same ultimate disappointment.

I'm a little bitter today.