when it comes to relationships... i've had my fair share. probably more than my fair share, actually. i'm pretty selfish. but in a way, it was worth it. i've been in relationships where i was cheated on and had no knowledge of it, cheated on despite my knowledge of it, been irresponsibly enamored, completely unappreciated, and put on the highest pedestal imaginable. i've tried to avoid relationships with others who only wanted to use me for various reasons, and i've reminded guys that even though i'm not the most capable girl, i still pack a mean right hook should they try to take advantage of me.
all that would have been pointless had i not been paying attention.
i may not know *exactly* what kind of relationship i want to be in (and besides, if you have it planned out that specifically, it's no fun at all), but i know what kind i don't want to be in.
i don't want to be with someone who needs me.
that sounds so heartless, but hear me out. i don't want someone who needs me because anyone who needs to be with me doesn't really want to be with me. being with someone who needs me is insulting; kept around for another's necessity just as much as staying for it. when someone loves you because they need you, there is no hope for a mutual compassion. as soon as they have taken all that they needed, there is no longer a reason for you to be around.
i would much rather be with someone who wants me. i would like to know that if i'm in a relationship, it's with a person who could very much live without me, but openly chooses to live with me instead. someone who is not completely dependent on me but who is independent and elects to depend on me as much as i do them, and not more. when you're wanted in a relationship, you aren't afraid of being discarded as soon as you've lost your usefulness. you're with someone who starts every day by choosing you because they want to be with you.
i'm not saying that i've got relationships figured out. i just feel that after screwing a few up, i've got one very important piece of the puzzle in place.
incidentally, i feel like a lot of my friends talk about their one huge disaster relationship. the one where you were so desperately needed (and vice versa) that you allowed it to become a love that consumed you so fast that the flames grew just for the sake of dying out victoriously. i used to resent that relationship, but then i realized that if i hadn't been needed i would never appreciate being wanted.
i hope for you that someday you find someone who wants you. despite my own disappointment in this situation, EVERYONE deserves to be chosen, everyone deserves to be wanted.
